


Ally In the Dark

by cadkitten



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fear, Gen, M/M, Masturbation, Other, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Sexual Fear, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2019-03-13 02:43:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13561020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: "If I didn't know better I'd think he cursed me. As it stands, Iknowhe broke me."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For my writing challenge #9 Every Step of the Way
> 
> There's some hints of things regarding JonDami and BruJay, but not enough to list them as pairings.

The TV screen flickered in the otherwise dim room, casting shadows along the walls and across the furniture. The movie had been pretty dull so far, some stupid overblown spy movie with several different subplots that they weren't weaving in very well. Jason had been half asleep for at least the last ten minutes but was desperately fighting it so Dick wouldn't be insulted that he didn't like it. Poor guy always put too much thought into what he was trying to show them when it was his turn to pick for movie night, trying to cater to everyone and ending up catering to no one in the process. It was painful, really.

Damian shifted on the couch next to him and Jason reminded himself his eyelids needed to be up in order to play at not being bored. Flicking his eyes up to the screen again, he watched as the main character shoved the man he'd been tracking half the movie up against the wall of a hotel suite. They started making out and Jason almost snorted. It was the cliché falling for the villain bull with the twist of the fact that they were both dudes. Maybe as a bisexual man who had spent his life pretty much hiding the second half of his attractions, he should have been a little insulted it was being used as a plot twist, but somehow, he just wasn't. Really, it was still just as ridiculous as it would have been if one of them had been a girl and it didn't strike any chords inside him other than amusement. 

The making out continued across the room until they fell into bed and the clothing started coming off. The couch shifted beside him again and when he glanced at Damian from the corner of his eye, he found him with his leg drawn up, his mouth and nose shoved against his own leg so hard it had to be a bit painful and his wide eyes glued to the screen. In all honesty, it was a bit of a surprising reaction given Damian was heading toward twenty and probably shouldn't be reacting to what amounted to a lot of camera angles and making out as if he were twelve and seeing his first sex scene on television. 

The implication that they were actively going at it found its way on screen and instantly Damian was up, departing the room in utter silence. Jason watched him go, a little frown pulling at his lips. Even for Damian, this was odd behavior. 

Turning back to the screen, he watched the two actors get it on, knew the sheet was covering everything for a reason, knew the angle was off if they were actually going at it, and just sighed to himself, leaning on his fist as he tried to figure out what Damian's deal was. He hadn't really looked turned on, more he'd looked scared. Like a kid afraid of getting in trouble. 

Jason's thoughts tumbled over one another, pieces of information trying to form a working theory. Damian had never dated anyone, nor had he really shown interest beyond some lewd comments he'd thrown out one time so far in the past that it was almost ridiculous he hadn't said anything since then. Now that Jason thought about those, it was like he'd been parroting something he'd seen someone else say, words he couldn’t really imagine having come from the then eleven year old boy's mouth by way of his own brain.

Jason had been responsible for going over network logs for years and now that he thought on it, he'd never once seen something sexual come up on Damian's feed other than a few times he was researching something for a case. No pornography, no searches that had been altered enough to claim innocence if he'd gotten caught. Not that Jason would have said anything if he'd noticed it, after all he'd owned a good half dozen magazines back in his teenage years. But as it stood, there was nothing in Damian's search history and he was sure by now someone would have said something if they'd found out Damian had magazines or DVDs squirreled away somewhere even if it was just to razz the poor kid. Unless he was just that good a hiding it, Damian didn't appear to be doing anything of that nature.

Glancing back at the TV, Jason took note of the clock on the DVD player and arched an eyebrow. It'd been twenty minutes and Damian still wasn't back. Even if he had escaped because it had been his first time seeing something like that on TV, it shouldn't have taken him this long, which meant he was probably hiding. Jason quietly pushed himself up and slipped out of the room. He didn't have to go far to find Damian. He turned the corner and there he was, crouched against the far wall, his arms wrapped around his knees and his eyes glassy and distant. If he hadn't known what had sent Damian out of the room, he would have thought he was going into shock. Crossing the room, he slid down the wall next to him and settled, forearms on his knees, gazing at the wall across from them to give Damian some privacy. 

"Want to tell me what's going on?"

There was a little huff of breath, but nothing else from Damian's direction. Even more of an oddity since Jason was used to having his head ripped off for any offer of help. Then again, he couldn't say he'd ever tried outside of the field. 

Flexing his fingers, Jason weighed his options. He could attack it head-on, probably scare Damian half to death and never get his answer or he could put his cards on the table and hope to God he was opening up to the right person and really _really_ hope it was what had set Damian off like this or else he was about to look real stupid. Taking the second option, he calmed his own nerves, told himself he was doing this for Damian's well-being and because he really just wanted someone to know his own best kept secret after all these years. "Look... I'm just making half-ass guesses based on what little facts I have, so forgive me if I go barreling down a road that's not at all what this is about. I just... I guess I want to help. You look half-catatonic and given who you are that sort of terrifies me. Anything that sets you off like this sort of probably has to be addressed somewhere and well... I uh," he hesitated, trying to force the words up, his head hitting the wall lightly a few times before he finally worked them up through his throat. "I'm... God, why is this so hard to say?" He reached up to rub at his face and then turned to look at Damian, finding him staring at him, a little more focus in his gaze. He watched as a tremble ran through Damian's body and he ached to reach out and hug him. He looked so small and upset right then, like he had no idea how in the world to solve what was happening to him.

"I'm attracted to men, too, you know." The words came out this time, easier than he'd have thought now that he could. They didn't stick, they weren't strained. It was like when he understood he was doing this for Damian, it was somehow easier to admit what he'd hid all these years. 

Damian blinked hard a few times and then looked away, tucking his face down against his legs and after a while, Jason heard a sniff and then a huff of breath. "I've never told anyone... not since..." he shook his head a little. 

"Since what?" Jason kept his voice steady, low and as comforting as he could. 

"Since Grandfather." Damian turned his head then and Jason could see the unshed tears shimmering in his eyes. "I didn't mean to tell him, either. I slipped up." He cringed and shook his head. "I was just a kid. I keep telling myself that. I was _just_ a damn kid. Eight years old and barely understanding that sort of thing and I just said what I was thinking. Grandfather always said we should just spit it out and he'd show us what we should and shouldn't say." A shiver ran through Damian's body and he buried his face against his legs again, his voice muffled when he spoke again. "I learned what I should never say that day."

Rage blossomed in Jason's chest. That vile man had done something to Damian because he'd... what? Expressed interest in someone? Said he was attracted to other boys? He barely kept his voice level when he spoke again. "You don't have to tell me if it's too much, but... what did he do to you?"

Damian's breath hitched in and he hunched more, making him look so small and fragile. Damian rubbed his face against his knees and then turned back to look at Jason, clearly having shed his tears in the meantime. "He beat me. The same way he did when he was angry when any of us had done something wrong. Screamed at me that it was wrong, that there was something wrong with me and he'd been waiting to see what it was, what flaw the tank had created in me. At the time... I was just terrified. I had no idea what I'd done wrong for weeks." Damian unfolded himself and slumped against the wall, closing his eyes. "He left me in the cells to rot. It was only Mother who let me out, told me to never speak of my desires again, that they were wrong and dangerous. When I saw the other boys talking about such things they weren't punished and at first I thought it was because of who I was, because I was supposed to be their weapon. Eventually, I understood it was because they all wanted girls and I didn't." 

Shifting, Damian opened his eyes and Jason caught and held his gaze. "I know better now... I really do. I understand I'm allowed to be whoever I am and that none of you would ever judge me or shun me because of it, but it doesn't change my first instinctual reaction to any thought or bodily reaction. I –" he fell silent for a moment and shook his head, "you don't want to know that much about my personal habits, I'm sure."

Jason turned to face him a bit more, settling with his legs crossed and his hands loosely in his lap, as unimposing as he could manage. "Lay it all on me. Trust me, I think you'd have a difficult time making me uncomfortable."

Damian fidgeted for a moment and then pushed himself to his feet and nodded toward the stairs. "Somehow I don't think the rest of this conversation should be held in the hallway."

Giving him a lopsided grin, Jason got up and followed after him, surprised when he led him to his bedroom and shut the door behind them. Damian crawled into his window seat and gestured at his desk chair for Jason to sit in. He settled and Damian took a shaky breath. 

"I don't know how much you want to know."

"I'm serious. Just tell me whatever you want to get off your chest."

Damian turned to gaze out the window and Jason understood that, too. A feeling of detachment from whatever he was about to admit, something he could focus on that wasn't personal. 

"I don't masturbate." He let it hang there for a moment and before Jason could open his mouth to make any commentary at all, Damian continued. "I used to try, but all I wanted to think about were things I shouldn't. I tried everything. Forcing my thoughts, clearing my mind completely, just thinking about the sensations and nothing else... but I'd always end up right back to thinking about what I wasn't supposed to. I gave up when it started becoming this huge source of frustration. I was growing bitter and angry, lashing out at all of you. The day I screamed at Grayson and told him I hated him and wished he'd die, I promised myself I'd just put a stop to my desires entirely. _Nothing_ in the world was worth telling him such a huge lie. So I found different means of meditation, various ways to fall asleep when my body desired. I started taking melatonin before bed so I would stop dreaming and waking up terrified I'd be beaten like that again. The truth is, all those nightmares I used to have weren't anything most people would have deemed nightmares. I know you all thought it had to be about the things I've done, the people I've killed, but it wasn't. It was always a sexual dream and they scare me to this day. I wake up with my heart racing, my hands shaking, and my body usually having taken care of itself in the process. I don't know if that's... natural or not. There's not really a way to find out without tipping my hand on what's going on."

Damian leaned forward, reached to smooth a wrinkle in the blanket lying at the foot of the little alcove. "I don't think I'll ever have intercourse or have a significant other. I'll probably never find someone to love if only because no one needs to wade through this bullshit to try to help me straighten it out. I can't figure out how to fix it and I can't seem to let go of that lesson. I tried. Last year, I tried _so hard_. Jon... he expressed interest in me and I wanted it so bad. I wanted the attention, the affection; I wanted to give him mine in return. Instead, I opened my mouth and all that came out was cruelty. Words I can _never_ take back and words I never should have spoken." He tipped his head back and Jason could tell he was blinking back tears. "I ruined our partnership, our friendship, and what could have been the world to me by telling him he was broken. That I knew what broken was and he fit the description."

Jason's heart wrenched and he stood up, came to settle on the edge of the window seat, his hand finding Damian's and holding onto it tightly. "Did you mean it? Do you really think he's broken?"

Damian shook his head hard. "No." The word came out cracked, desperate, and Jason watched Damian shatter right in front of him. " _I'm_ the one that's broken. I'm the horrible person." He was silent for a minute, fighting tears and when he spoke again it was the last thing Jason thought he'd ever hear him say. "I pushed away the only person I've ever cared about like that because I couldn’t fix myself enough to let him in. Someone loved me and I shunned them for it."

"Do you regret it?"

"Every fucking day." Damian pulled away, curled himself into the corner and Jason could tell he was fighting down how bad he was trembling. "I tried for months to fix it; to apologize well enough, to explain without telling him my biggest secret. I stole some of Tim's tech to try searching for ways to get me to accept myself for what I want and none of it worked. I still seize up when I start to get turned on by something. I still feel searing pain in every wound Grandfather gave me that night when I start to desire another man. If I didn't know better I'd think he cursed me. As it stands, I _know_ he broke me."

"Have you tried to introduce things in low doses? Like... that movie. Watch, like, one minute of the scene. You seemed okay for that long. Get yourself used to it. Move up the time increments until you're watching the whole thing and not damn near going into shock over it. Keep doing that until you can think about kissing a guy and not freak out. Maybe then move on to harder things. Provocative images, stuff like that. Basically, very slowly reverse what he did to you."

Damian tipped his head back and shook it slightly. "What's the point? I pushed Jon away and I'll never forgive myself for that. I..." his voice came out in a quiet sob and Jason watched him dissolve right in front of him, "I love him. I still do. All this time and I still do and he _hates_ me! I made him hate me and I hate myself and sometimes I just – " he cut himself off with a thin wail and buried his face against his knees, his entire body heaving until he started to gag. 

Jason watched as he stumbled to the bathroom and the door slammed, not quite muffling the sounds of Damian throwing up. He sat there, trying to calm himself from the onslaught of emotions Damian had thrown at him. It had been like a giant wall of hardship, failure, and pain and it had been really difficult to navigate. Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he breathed out, "God, it'd be easier if maybe Jon had been listening, wouldn't it?" But Bats didn't get that lucky. They never did. 

He sat there for a while, listening to Damian stifling sobs and then the disgusting sounds of him throwing up again and again. If the kid kept it up, Jason was pretty sure he was going to have to go in there to get him to calm down. The minutes ticked by and Jason grew more and more concerned when Damian still hadn't stopped. 

Just as he stood up, there was a timid tap on the door and Tim poked his head in, concern painting his face as he glanced between the horrible sounds in the bathroom and Jason. Keeping his voice pitched to a whisper, he moved closer to Jason. "Is he okay?"

Jason just shook his head. "Panic attack at this point if I had to hazard a guess."

Tim mouthed out, "Oh," and then held up a finger as he left the room. He heard another door open and then close a minute later and Tim came back in and held out his hand. "Here. Get it under his tongue and let it dissolve."

Another round of heaving came from the bathroom and Tim's brows knit together. "Maybe I should see if he's – "

"No. He won't want to even know anyone else was in here. Trust me. And before anyone asks, I'm not going to say what set it off either. That's his business to share, not mine." He took the pill from Tim's hand and glanced at it. Xanax, not a bad idea, given the circumstances, and of course Tim would have some. Out of them all, it made sense he'd keep it on hand. 

Tim left the room, closing the door behind him and Jason took in a deep breath and pushed the door open to the bathroom just as Damian set into another round of heaving. He was mostly gagging now, nothing really coming up except stomach acid and Jason could tell he was completely out of it given he hadn't so much as flushed the toilet yet. Closing the door from any further prying eyes that may have wanted to visit Damian's room, Jason reached over him and flushed the toilet and then crouched next to him and waited until he stopped this round of gagging. "Open up. This is going to taste like shit, but keep it under your tongue, okay?"

Damian managed a faint, "Yeah," before opening his mouth and lifting his tongue. Jason dropped the tablet into his mouth and then stood up and retrieved a washcloth, going about wetting it while Damian made half-choked sounds for a while, as if trying not to sob or hurl while he had the pill in his mouth. 

Kneeling back down, Jason leaned over and started cleaning Damian's face with the cloth and then took his hands, starting on them as well. "Breathe with me, time it to my breathing, okay?" Another little whisper of consent and Jason focused on breathing calmly until Damian was synced with him for a good few minutes, just perpetually cleaning his hands in the meantime, trying to give him something to distract enough from what had set him off until the medication kicked in.

When Damian finally flopped back against the wall, Jason got up and went about washing out the cloth and handing it back to Damian, getting him a cup of water, and then dumping some of the toilet bowl cleaner into the bowl and shutting the lid to kill the smell of sick in the room. He was, perhaps, a little more versed in this than he wanted to be after having lived with Roy through his detox. 

Perching on the edge of the tub, he drew in a careful breath and murmured, "How ya doing now?"

Damian sighed, his head thumping against the wall. "It's still there. All of it. The things I did and said, the pain I caused. I guess for once it's forefront of Grandfather's words, but those are there too. It's just like they're four doors down and all the doors are closed so I can hear them yelling but it's muffled and faint."

"Yeah, that's sort of the point of Xanax. Make it more distant for a while so you can pick yourself back up and then parse it when it comes back." Jason studied Damian as he mopped up his face again, but still completely ignored the water. "Might want to drink something."

"I'll puke it back up if I do, trust me. When I get like this... it's... bad. I won't be able to eat tonight at all."

Jason nodded and they sat in silence for a while until Jason stood up and offered Damian his hand. "C'mon, at least get you back in the other room, yeah?"

Damian took his hand and together they trudged back into the bedroom, Damian pulling himself up onto his bed and dragging a pillow into his lap as he slumped against the wall. Jason settled on the same desk chair as before. 

It was almost an hour before Damian chose to speak again and Jason had no intention of forcing the issue. By the time Damian spoke up, Jason had pulled out his phone and was reading one of his most recent purchases, a novel about various supernatural beings and their war. He closed the app and then his phone, pushing it back into his pocket at the sound of Damian's voice.

"So what do I do from here?" He sounded lost, achingly hurt, and Jason's heart shattered.

"Unless you're adverse to it, I think for a while we can set up a few times a week to sort of get you used to the idea of the movie scenes. Just pieces, like I said. Enough to barely verge you into discomfort but not enough to actually throw you into what happened tonight."

Damian gave a little nod and let his head smack against the wall a few times before closing his eyes. "What if I get aroused?"

Normally Jason would have laughed at the comment, but with Damian it just broke his heart even more. "Then you do." He hesitated and then offered, "Do you think I don't get aroused seeing something like that? I mean... you bailed before it got to the part that started to do that to me, but it still does. Even soft core and terrible acting." Leaning forward, bracing his forearms on his thighs, he gave Damian a sympathetic look, even knowing he couldn't see it. "When I was your age, a particularly stiff breeze could arouse me. I'd drive myself crazy nine or ten times a day with my dick just getting hard for no damn reason, not to mention the times it did _for_ a reason. You're not alone, trust me."

"It wouldn't make you uncomfortable?"

It took Jason a moment to catch up and when he did, he blinked dumbly at Damian for a moment. "No, not at all. It's a natural response to a stimulus meant to evoke that reaction."

Damian just nodded a little, starting to droop slightly toward the left. "Then yeah... I guess... tomorrow?"

Jason settled back in the chair, knowing Damian was going to fall asleep soon and thanking everything for it. "Yeah, I'll be here."

Tipping his head back, he waited until he heard Damian start to softly snore. Only then did he get up and turn off the light, slipping out of the room and down the hallway. Some nights were more exhausting than others and he was pretty damn sure he was in for a rash of them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Readers: kate1zena  
> Song[s]: "Inner Demons" by Julia Brennan

Jason settled beside Damian on the couch in his apartment. They'd both decided for privacy reasons it would be best if they did this kind of thing after patrol and before Damian was due back in for the evening. They both cut their routes short by half an hour and met up at his place instead, a short-cut Jason found no flaw in.

On screen was the movie they'd been watching, queued up to the part that started the sex scene. There was about a minute lead in so the scene wasn't awkwardly cut, something that Jason had fussed over that morning. 

"Ready?"

Damian nodded mutely and Jason put his hand on his forearm and squeezed. "Tell me the instant you start to hit the point of horror, okay? I need to know that very second."

"I am aware."

That was more like the Damian he knew and it worried him so much less than the one he'd found in the hall, though he knew he was going to see that person more and more often over the next God only knew how long. He took in a breath, let go of Damian's arm, and pressed play.

The scene started and the instant it got up to one man shoving the other against the wall, he heard the little intake of breath. Within seconds Damian was rigid next to him.

"Stop holding back how you feel, that's sort of the opposite of the point." Jason turned a little and flicked his tongue over his teeth, seeing how hard Damian's jaw was clenched. He paused the scene and cocked his head, a new idea forming. "I have an idea. What if we put on a scene from a movie I really enjoy and I'm the one to watch it. You just watch me." Sure it would feel awkward as hell, but it would show Damian - perhaps - that he wasn't alone.

"Is it explicit?"

"No more so than this one is."

"But less shitty acting?"

Jason chuckled. "Less shitty acting."

Damian huffed and settled back on the couch, his arms crossed. "Do so then."

Jason got up and rummaged in his DVDs, finally pulling one out and slipping it into the player. He brought up scene selection when it let him and flicked through them until he found the right chapter, opening it and letting it play. He fast forwarded for a while until he got to the proper place and pressed play, settling back, turned slightly toward Damian so he could see his facial expressions and just let the scene be what it was to him.

It'd been one of the first sex scenes to truly tip him over into desperately wanting to explore the other half of his sexuality. It had left him wanting for weeks until he'd given in, and it still meant a lot to him just for that fact. The two male leads had been partners in police academy and had moved to different states after, heading down their own paths, only to end up in the same precinct years later. They'd had something of a crush on one another back then and it seemed distance and time had done nothing to waylay it. Rather, it had built it into a roaring fire that left them both desperate to claim. The movie wasn't _about_ that, but it was there if you looked for it, an undertone to the plot that wound throughout the nearly three hour long film, this scene happening very close to the end of the film.

The taller of the two men crawled into the other's lap on the hotel room bed, the make out scene setting in for slow burn, whispered confessions, half-desperate pleas, and finally the fairly obvious erection one of them was sporting. It had been _that_ part that caught Jason's attention all those years ago, the knowledge that at least one of these men wanted to be doing this to some degree. The idea that maybe it wasn't entirely fake planting seeds in his mind. Even now, he smiled fondly, very aware of his every reaction, of how his breathing increased and how his lips parted just the slightest amount. 

On screen the two men continued, grinding and kissing sloppily and Jason let the shiver out that begged in his shoulders, allowed it to take shape and heard the quiet intake of breath from Damian as a response. The camera angle changed to avoid showing anything they shouldn't for the film rating and the sound of zippers being dragged down came across the screen. It was clear they were pleasuring one another then, though nothing was shown and it wasn't as lewd as it could have been. Likely they were only miming what they were doing, but the possibility remained that it could have been happening. Jason's breath hitched and he wet his lips slightly. One of them clearly began to take the other and Jason let his hips arch, let his arousal take full hold on him and he heard Damian's breath quicken and then a quiet, "Stop the video."

Immediately he hit the pause button and flicked the screen off, shifting himself so it covered how he'd gotten half-hard in his pants in case that was making Damian uncomfortable. He wanted to glance at him and see how he'd fared, but he didn't dare for fear that he'd scare Damian off the whole point of this. Instead, he just waited on Damian to say something.

It took a few minutes for Damian's breathing to calm down and when it did, his voice was so small Jason had to glance at him to make sure it really was still Damian sitting next to him. "You got turned on."

"Of course I did. It's the movie that encouraged me to look closer into how much guys turned me on."

"But you hide it."

Jason took in a breath and winced. He knew this would come up eventually, just hadn't been ready for it to happen right away. On the other hand he was sure Damian hadn't been ready to share any of this shit to start with. "Yeah... about that. In a lot of ways this is as much for me as it is for you. I needed to tell someone and you need," he gestured and Damian snorted and filled in, "a lot?" Jason wobbled his head in a so-so kind of gesture and sighed. "It's not really fear for me. It's just... I guess all the people I've ever wanted weren't interested so there's never been a point. I don't feel like it's anyone's business if I'm not going to be sleeping with them – except in some rare cases like this, where it matters for other reasons – but I'm not ashamed. Mostly..." he knew he was going to have to admit the big one and it really hurt to say it out loud after all these years.

"Alright, fine. I know probably more about you than you ever wanted me to, so this is only fair. Here's more than I ever wanted anyone to know about why I keep it to myself."

"You don't have to...."

"I'm aware." Jason raked a hand back through his hair and sat back, crossing his arms and picking a spot on the wall just past Damian to stare at. "I wanted to fuck Bruce since pretty much the moment I saw him. For some pretty damn obvious reasons that wasn't at all acceptable. I mean... I was a teenager and he was a full grown adult. Not to mention his proclivities don't match mine at all. I spent far too many years with my hand down my pants thinking about him and yet... I don't think he ever found out that I wanted him. I mean, I died and then came back and sort of tried to upend everything and I guess that was sort of a distraction from anything that may have been showing itself before that, you know? But, like, even now, I want him. Which is never going to happen, so there's little reason to say anything." Jason shrugged and let his arms fall, pulled one leg up instead and hooked an arm around it. "Most of my desires have been like that. People I have no business wanting like I do, who either could care less or wouldn’t want to know at all and like I said if I'm not sleeping with them, it’s not their damn business."

He flicked his gaze to Damian who was staring hard at him, an unreadable look in his eyes. "Would you come out to someone whom you didn't want to sleep with if it came up?"

Jason shrugged. "I wouldn’t deny it if that's what you're asking."

"What if... what if someone you know has had a bet going for years?"

Jason arched an eyebrow and huffed out an amused laugh. "Okay, which one of them is being a damn brat?"

"Take a guess."

"Dickie. Has to be Dickie. He sticks his nose where it doesn't belong _all_ the time."

"Got it in one."

"And you've known about this bet how long?"

Damian scoffed. "Years. They have this whole betting pool for hundreds of things. I'm surprised you're not in on it, actually."

"Are you?"

"Hell no. Most of their dumb bets are incredibly childish."

Jason clicked his tongue. "Alright, who wins if I'm bi?"

"Neither of them, that's the best part. They're both wrong."

Jason shook his head, a little smile pulling at his lips. The idea of wrecking Dick and – presumably – Tim's days over a bet they'd made God only knew how long ago seemed absolutely amazing. On the other hand he shouldn't encourage their dumbassery. He sobered a bit and tilted his head at Damian. 

"You want me to tell someone to prove I'm not scared, don't you?"

Damian looked away and Jason could see the barest hint of embarrassment in the way he held himself. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he dialed Dick's number and waited until Dick somewhat breathlessly picked up. 

"Jay? Where are you?"

"My apartment. Breathless for a reason, bird boy?"

"One to talk," Dick shot back, clearly as amused as Jason was by their usual banter. "I was in the shower; it's not what you think. I'm not that full of scandal."

"Oh, you're full of something alright." Jason watched the array of emotions on Damian's face, most of them slightly horrified, and nearly burst out laughing. Clearly, he'd never been around for his and Dick's phone calls. Dick's reply faded into the background as his thoughts swirled on how to do this. He may have acted a little rashly in picking up the phone so quickly. How exactly was one supposed to just dump this information on someone whose business it definitely _wasn't_? He supposed it was a bit like coming out to family and how many horrors he'd heard about that over the years, only he could imagine no horror from Dick over it. 

"Jay?"

He refocused and then just decided to just be himself with it. Clearing his throat he offered, "I just thought it was time someone should know. Or more like I have a point to prove. So uh... just so you know, on your game, neither of you win when it comes to me."

Silence and then, "So you did fuck her?"

Blinking, Jason screwed up his face. "What? Who?"

"Donna."

"Oh for fuck's sake!" Jason huffed out an exasperated breath. "I told _all_ of you already, I didn't fuck Donna. That was like a million years ago, stop being a child."

Glancing up at Damian, he saw the astounded look on his face and Jason gave him a helpless look, mouthing out, "More than one," and shaking his head.

"Then what the hell are you talking about?"

"The other bet, dumbass. The whole is Jason gay or straight bet." He heard an intake of breath and before Dick could say a word, he offered up, "You both lose because I'm bi and you forgot that could have been an option. Real smart there, birdbrain."

"Oh fuck off, Jason! My brain's bigger than that!"

"You sure? I mean not taking that option is about as dumb as it gets!"

Dick burst out laughing and Jason grinned despite himself. "You're a fucker, you know that? That's two hundred that gets to stay right in the damn pool. That bet is _ancient_. How the hell did you find out about it?"

"Trade secret, sorry. Just had to ruin both of you for that one."

"Wait til fuckin' Roy finds out he's not winning."

Jason blinked at that. He'd expected Tim, not Roy. Then again, Tim would have been smart enough to place his bet on bisexual. Roy was a complete dumbass when it came to betting games and clearly this was no exception since he probably had the best shot at the truth... unless he'd been protecting Jason with his answer. It gave him something to ponder either way.

"I'm not mad, just so you know. Bet away, it's your money you're losing. Personally I think when everyone loses, the money should go to the person you were betting about. That way you apologize for being fools with something as kind as cold hard cash."

"You just want to find a reason not to ask B for money for that damn project you're working on."

"I already asked him, smartass." Jason studied Damian, who looked oddly placid and then sighed. "Look, I gotta get going, but I just wanted to ruin your night, pretty bird."

"Oh _now_ he's nice. You hear that, Tim?! He called me pretty bird after half threatening me again!"

"Oh, I'll show you a threat –"

"HA! There! Half-threat!" Dick hung up and Jason stared at his phone for a moment, pretty much just as befuddled as he always was when he was talking to Dick on the phone. In person was a completely different matter and really a completely different Dick. On the phone it was like Dick thought he had free reign to be a fucking weirdo.

He made sure it was hung up and tossed the phone on the table. "You look calm."

"So do you."

"Of course. It's not a big deal. Just, like I said, not their business."

Damian took in a deep breath and then managed a mostly steady, "I'm gay." He met Jason's eyes and squared his shoulders, sitting up straight. "I like men." His demeanor cracked a little and the next words were barely a whisper, "I love Jon." Sorrow swept over his face and Jason instantly reached out for him, taking his hand and squeezing. "Breathe with me. Don't care if you don't think you need it, just do it."

Together they paced their breathing for a good five minutes before Damian whispered it again, this time a little steadier. "I love Jon, even though I messed up."

Jason reached up and lightly ruffled his hair. "Maybe you did and maybe in this one case there's a reason beyond your means as to why you did. And honestly... I think – long term – there's a confession and an apology to be given. Not now, maybe not even soon, but one day when you can without falling apart, I think you have to."

Damian sat there for a while, silent, his face like stone until he eventually scooted across the couch and leaned against Jason's side. "I want to. I want him to know I didn't mean it. That I was a jerk, that I fucked up and that I'm nothing but a big old hypocrite."

Jason slid his arm around Damian's shoulders and held him against his side. "Not a hypocrite. Not going to argue about a jerk or that you fucked up, but we all do sometimes. We all hurt someone we don't mean to sometimes."

"Who have you hurt?"

"All of you." Jason leaned down to press a chaste kiss to the top of Damian's head, is eyelids closing. "I hurt all of you when I came back. Just like you, I had a reason. I had trauma and abandonment issues and the damn pit to contend with, but it doesn’t change that I fucked up and that I hurt you all."

"Have you apologized?"

Jason was silent for a moment, fighting the burn in his nose before he whispered, "There's one hypocrite in this room right now and it's not you."

"Then maybe this part isn't just for me either."

"Yeah... maybe not."

Jason drew in a shaky breath and let the tears sting in his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way I treated you at first, the insults I hurled at you just because I felt like I hadn't just been replaced once, but _twice_. It wasn't your fault."

"I'm sorry I tried to kill you."

Jason pulled back enough to let Damian look up at him and then he crushed him closer in a tight hug. "Trust me, I forgave you for that a long time ago."

"Doesn't change that I owed it to you as much as you owed me."

"Yeah... fair enough."

They both eased back and after a few minutes, Damian held Jason's phone out to him. "Call him back. Start there. I don't count on this one, you did the least to me."

Jason took the phone and Damian pushed himself up from the couch, glancing at the screen, at the frozen figures of the two men entangled in one another, his eyes roaming the screen until he finally turned away. "For what it's worth, this helped some."

"For what it's worth... it helped me, too."

The closest thing to a smile Jason had seen on Damian's face in years came to life and he watched as Damian headed for the balcony door. "Mother's servants used to talk about fate when they thought no one could hear them. They'd whisper that sometimes it would throw hard things at you to give you the good somewhere else. Maybe all of our bad, all of our pain... perhaps it was all for this. For one ally in the dark."

With that, Damian was gone, leaving no room for reply and even as Jason dialed Dick's number again, he let that thought settle with him. In their line of work, one ally in the darkness of their lives meant the difference between life and death and Jason was pretty damn sure Damian knew what he'd implied before he ever said it.

The phone line connected and Jason drew in his breath, held it for a few seconds, and took one of the biggest plunges he'd ever taken in his life. "Dick? This time it's serious."

This was going to hurt.


	3. Chapter 3

Jason sat on Damian's window seat, watching Damian as he stared at the computer screen in front of him. They were playing the video Jason liked best and had set about watching the entire movie as Jason pointed out that perhaps getting involved with the characters would make it easier for him. They were nearing the scene and Jason had murmured a warning to Damian a few minutes ago to give him time to work up to it. The scene changed and within minutes the couple on screen were getting heated. Jason felt his usual tug of longing, but shoved it aside in favor of inspecting Damian's every move. Damian had asked for a complete role reversal when it came to this scene. He wanted Jason to fully watch him, to tell him later when he saw he was tensing, to what point he could tolerate and when he started to get uncomfortable. 

He made it impressively far, if Jason was being honest. All the way to where he was pretty sure a very real erection was on display within one of the guy's briefs. Only then did Damian tense, his breath stuttering in and within seconds his cheeks were pink. The scene kept going and Damian grabbed hold of the armrests of his computer chair, gripping so hard the plastic creaked. 

Jason reached past him and hit the space bar, freezing the image on screen and let him exist for a moment in his hyperaware state right at the edge of panic. He watched Damian shudder and then start to unwind himself, his fingers relaxing, his breathing still rapid and his cheeks closer to red than pink.

"As agreed, you first. How do you feel right now?"

"Dirty."

"What about the scene made you feel dirty?"

"I... I am fairly certain he had an erection."

"A real one?"

"Yes."

Jason nodded. "Me, too. It's part of why I like it. There's some reality to what they're doing. So that made you feel dirty, but... they went further and you watched further before you started into panic. What changed?"

"Nothing. The thought kept boiling in my mind. It screams at me over and over until I can't take it anymore."

"Which thought?"

Damian swallowed, hunching over so his elbows were on his thighs, his gaze on the ground. It was, perhaps, the most dejected Jason had ever seen him bodily admit to being. "That my feelings are wrong. I'm different and I shouldn't want this. I..." he tipped his head back and Jason could visibly see him fighting tears. "Jason, I _feel_ his torture when I get like this. I feel the sting, I hear the words like he's standing next to me, and I don't understand it. I've been through so much, so many worse things, and _this_ is what breaks me?"

"You're blaming yourself for something he created. Whose fault is it that you ended up like this?"

Damian hesitated for just long enough Jason knew what he wanted to say, but kept inside. "His."

"Say his name. Who is responsible for making you feel upset about something you should never _ever_ have to feel upset about?"

"Grandfather. R'as. He is responsible."

"For?"

"For making me feel like shit whenever I get aroused."

"This is entirely on him, Damian, not on you. It never should have been placed on you." Jason scooted over and patted the space next to him. He'd learned over the past month or so that Damian preferred contact that he felt he both initiated and didn't. He enjoyed being told he could sit near someone and then _he_ would take the steps needed to be closer. Jason privately thought that perhaps Ra's' lessons had involved more than Damian's sexuality and that thought made him want to go beat the hell out of that fucker, but he kept himself calm, if only for Damian's sake.

It took a minute but Damian eventually got up and came to sit next to him, sliding in close and letting their thighs touch. He settled sort of hunched over and Jason took note he was still very much aroused, yet one more thing he had been quietly asked to catalogue for Damian. It didn't make him uncomfortable and if Damian thought it would help, he'd tell him every detail of everything like he was playing back a mental video.

"My reactions?"

"You got a little rigid at the part where he gets an erection, heat to your cheeks, your breathing changed. All signs I'd expect from someone with your level of experience in this. I cut you off after you started to hedge further into panic. Gripping the chair arms, breathing too fast, your eyes getting a little glassy. If I had to hazard a guess I'd say you didn't want to stop watching but the thoughts overwhelmed you so you couldn't continue. You _want_ what you're seeing, but you're also terrified of unknown consequence."

Saying it out loud triggered something for Jason and he tipped his head, making a little thoughtful noise. "What if... what if we set up things you would get shit for and make hard parameters for each situation? Create new triggers to override the old?"

"Like what? What the hell is going to override what he did to me?!"

Jason reached out and put his hand on Damian's knee, squeezing until Damian's breath calmed again and he slouched. One trembling hand landed on Jason's. "I didn't mean – “

"I know. It's fine. You're fine." Jason turned his hand and they linked fingers. "What I'm saying is like... so he did that for you saying you were attracted to someone. But did he ever really say anything else? I guess what I'm asking is if that's the only trigger or did he ingrain others?"

"I can't even masturbate, Jason. What do you think?"

"I wasn't there, you have to work with me here, okay?" He squeezed Damian's fingers lightly as Damian's hand shook even more and then, abruptly, Damian was in his arms, face buried against his shoulder and from the way he was shaking, he knew there were tears here. He held him through it, through the silent breaking point that he wished like hell didn't exist for Damian. 

By the time he pulled back, Jason's shirt was damp and Damian's eyes were rimmed in red. They didn't talk about that part, never did. It was one of the few reasons that Jason suspected Damian would allow him to see him like this. 

"Triggers. Arousal of any sort due to any situation like this. I can get hard off something like friction and it's okay, no fear or panic. But the moment my mind wanders I'm done for. The more aroused I am, the worse it is." He let go of Jason's hand and pulled himself back into the corner of the window seat and Jason let him. "I tried again last night. Tried so much to keep my thoughts only on what I was doing not on anything else, but my mind _wants_ to wander, wants to imagine what it'd feel like if it were –" he took in a shaky breath, "there... that was too much." 

When Jason looked, Damian was pale, his every breath hitched and his hands trembling in his lap. 

"To want is to be punished." Damian sounded utterly distraught. 

"Let me ask you something. You're a logical person, yes?"

"Yes."

"Okay. What's your favorite food?"

"Gino's white sauce pizza loaded with vegetables. Extra mushrooms."

"So specific." Jason flashed him a little smile. "Okay, are you hungry?"

"Yes."

"Do you want that pizza now?"

"Of course I do. It's my favorite."

"Alright and you don't feel horrible about wanting it, right?" Damian shook his head. "And you shouldn't feel horrible about it. It's reasonable. It's logical to want it. You enjoy the taste, love the smell of it, the texture is pleasing. I mean dammit, it's your favorite food and that's awesome, right?"

"Right."

"No panic, no distress, no grumbly gut feelings about it, right?" Another nod. "Good... well hunger is allowed. You _want_ with hunger. You want to fulfill it, you want to do anything within reason you can to obtain the wonderful taste of the pizza you love, and we'd never punish you for eating pizza."

"I –"

Jason held up a finger. "Wanting sex is like wanting your favorite pizza. Both are fundamental. Your taste buds want pizza. Your cock wants touch. Your brain wants pizza just as much as it wants sex. Your hormones want you to _want_. It's natural and it's beautiful and sex should be just like fantastic pizza. If you can pick up the phone and call in an order for a pizza, you can also put your hand in your pants and jerk off. You can eat your pizza. You can orgasm." He watched Damian, saw mainly confusion painting his face and he pulled out his phone, unlocked it and tossed it in front of Damian. "Order the pizza."

"What?"

"Order the pizza. Order that pizza with everything you want on it. Right now."

"But Alfred's making dinner and –"

"Do you want the pizza?"

"Well, yeah, but –"

"Order. The. Pizza."

Damian gave him a strained look and then picked up Jason's phone and looked up the number before calling in the order. He ordered it like it was nothing, hung up, and then handed the phone back to Jason, who shot off a quick text to Alfred to let him know he was using the pizza as a training tool and to please not make any fuss over its existence and to bring it up the moment it arrived.

They lapsed into silence, Damian staring out the window, his entire demeanor showing his confusion and Jason sat swiping through emails on his phone until there was a tap on the door and a call of, "Master Damian?"

"Come in."

The door opened and Alfred brought in the pizza, holding the box out to Damian. "Your pizza has arrived. Would you care for plates or anything else?"

"We'll be fine, thank you Alfred," Jason offered. 

Alfred left the pizza and departed the room, leaving them with the pizza between them and Damian staring at it fixedly.

"Do you want it?"

"Yes."

"Excellent. I want you to open that box and I want you to get a piece in both hands and eat them both. Indulge in it. _Revel_ in this pizza."

"You're being ridiculous."

"I'm teaching you a lesson. Now do it."

Damian gave him a vaguely unamused look, but opened the box and took out two slices, proceeding to eat the first one while holding onto the second one and then devouring it as well, all while Jason continued on about his business, mostly ignoring it, but still keeping a vague eye on him.

He heard Damian shift and looked up, watching him reach for tissues and wipe his fingers on them, then blot his mouth.

"Did you enjoy what you wanted to have once you got it?"

"Very much. It's been months since I had pizza at all and almost a _year_ since I've had Gino's."

"Alright. That's exactly what you should feel. Pleased, happy you got it. Content, even." Jason reached and closed the box, watched Damian look at it a bit like he wanted more and he smiled, reaching to set the box aside. "Do you want to be able to jerk off?"

"Yes."

"Just like you wanted that pizza?"

"I... yeah, I guess?"

"What if it were that easy?"

"I wish it were."

"It is." Jason pushed himself to his feet and stretched. "It's exactly that easy. No one yelled at you for your pizza and there isn't a damn person here who's going to yell at you for rubbing one out. I want you to do it. Go after yourself and I want you to tell yourself this is like pizza, the entire time. Tell yourself it's just as easy, that I've told you you're allowed to want it. That it's _okay_. Repeat it the whole time. Your mind wanders to a fantasy let it for a few seconds and then remind yourself it's like pizza. Right back again, over and over. If it strays to _him_ you think to yourself you're fucking allowed to eat pizza and you damn well will and then think of everything I've said. Sex and pizza... you're allowed both."

Jason headed to the door and Damian made a little startled sound. "Now?!"

"Now. Right now. After... we can polish off that pizza." He turned and flashed him a grin. "First you polish the wood."

Damian groaned and Jason laughed, pushing out into the hallway and going to go sit on the top of the stairs, close enough he could hear if Damian was starting to panic so bad he threw up or something but far enough he wouldn't actually hear him jerking off.

It was almost an hour before Damian's bedroom door opened and while Damian looked a little worse for the wear, he didn't look like he'd panicked. Jason studied him for a moment before getting up and heading back into the room.

The door closed behind him and before he could speak he heard Damian's quiet voice. 

"I did it. I... I managed." There was something to Damian's voice that made Jason turn around and he held out his arms, let Damian fall into them and he held him close, nuzzling against his hair.

"I'm proud of you. Do you want to talk about it?"

Damian gave a little nod and Jason relaxed his arms so Damian could pull away, but he didn't, so Jason let him stay where he was. "Was it good?"

"Yes."

"Did your thoughts wander to fantasy?"

"Twice, yes. I almost panicked the first time. The second time I didn't but didn't let it go on very long."

"Did you derail onto _him_?"

"Dozens of times. That's... why it took so long. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. It took however long it took, okay? That's fine. Time doesn't matter here." He pressed a kiss to Damian's head. "Do you feel better now that you've gotten off?"

"It felt... like... like a really good workout makes you feel."

"Like your mind is empty for a minute, yeah?" Damian gave a soft hum of agreement and Jason rubbed his back a few times. "Imagine being able to find that freedom every night or every morning."

"I'd like to."

"Then keep using this. Teach yourself how to shove him out and replace him with this lesson. And then I want you to teach yourself how to let the fantasy just exist. If he interrupts, he's an intruder and he shouldn't be allowed to eat pizza."

Damian snorted and Jason squeezed him hard for a moment and let go, going to fetch the pizza box, making a beeline for the window seat again and plopping down. "Do I get to eat pizza?"

"Well, yeah, of course you do. I'm pretty sure you can jerk off without panicking and that was the requirement, right?"

Jason laughed and fished out a pizza. "Shit... if that's the only requirement I should be allowed all the pizza in the world. Me and lefty are best friends."

Damian coughed in a way that told Jason he was hiding another reaction and then he was sliding in to sit next to Jason. They opened the box and, honestly, Jason wasn't at all offended when they just stopped talking. After all, the pizza was delicious.


	4. Chapter 4

Damian settled on the couch next to Jason, releasing a heavy sigh that Jason had grown to associate with Damian needing to get something off his chest. He picked up the remote and turned down the volume just enough Damian could talk to him over the TV, but a second later Damian's hand was in his vision and the remote was gone from his hands. The TV clicked off and Jason cut his gaze sideways at Damian, at the slouched way he was settled on the couch, the clicker dangling between his knees. 

"I talked to him."

There it was, the biggest reason Damian could possibly be upset and Jason knew instantly he meant Jon. Rather than speaking, he turned to show Damian he had his undivided attention.

"It took a while for him to even be willing to talk to me. When he did, we met and I apologized and attempted to explain my reactions." He held up a finger when Jason opened his mouth, addressing the very thing Jason had been concerned about. "I made sure to let him know I didn't think my past allowed my reactions to be alright. I was in the wrong and I know that. I knew it then and it wasn't fair to anyone. Not him. Not me. No one."

When Damian fell silent, Jason let out a quiet hum. "What did he say?"

"Not much. He mostly looked like I'd just sucker-punched him and managed not to break my hand somehow."

Jason would have laughed if it'd been any other day. Instead, he grimaced and gave a curt nod. "Alright. Not the worst that could have happened I suppose."

Damian made a little sound of agreement and then leaned back on the couch, his hands covering his face, the next part a bit muffled. "Did you know it's always him? In my fantasies, when I wander toward them... it's always _him_."

Jason blinked at Damian and then sat forward a bit. "Do you think maybe guilt is part of why fantasizing still isn't working for you? Because you think of him and he is what you effectively fucked up?"

"Likely." Damian let his hands drop, staring up at the ceiling. "It's just that I can't think of anyone else to think about when I'm in the moment."

Jason nodded. He understood that well enough. There'd been a time or two in his life where he'd gotten stuck on someone and failed miserably in every attempt to move forward. For Damian it had to be worse in a lot of ways – the one person who'd wanted him and he'd wanted back, only to have screwed it all up. That was the kind of wound that stuck with someone.

They sat in silence for a while, Damian staring at the far wall and Jason studying his face until he felt like he'd learned all he could from that method. Sitting back again, he shifted until his feet were up on the bench. "Feel up to the usual routine still?"

Damian shook his head but after a second nodded instead. "If I don't, I will sink back into how I was. Progress shouldn't be dropped for past mistakes."

Jason understood that, too. He pushed himself up and put in the little disk they'd been working their way through with basically every memorable scene he'd dredged up from his memory banks burned on it in quick succession. They'd gone through ten of them already but there were still five left. He tossed the remote to Damian and padded back over to sit down as Damian got them to the correct place in the disk.

They'd slowly been giving Damian more privacy in regards to watching the scenes, Jason working as well as he could to get it to where Damian could make it through one without half-swallowed panic while he wasn't watching him. 

Damian pressed play and Jason settled with his feet on the edge of the coffee table and his eyes mostly on the screen, only side-eying Damian a little. 

The scene was quick to get to the good stuff, the two guys on screen making out in the locker room. Jason loved this scene for reasons that were probably fairly obvious, the larger of the two men all bulk and muscle and the smaller probably more around Dick's build, both supposed to be on a Lacrosse team. They started groping and Damian pulled one leg up on the couch, settling with his thumbnail between his front teeth. His breathing was a little quick, but nothing to be concerned with yet. 

The lockers rattled as they moved and their roles reversed, the smaller of the two shoving the other against the locker's face first, a gasp of, "Yes!" leaving them both. Cheesy as hell, but it worked, Jason's pulse picking up and arousal sliding through his veins. He cut his eyes toward Damian again, watching him drag his tongue over his lower lip and then hearing the hitch in his breath as the camera did a neat cut so they were fucking against the lockers but nothing was really showing, but it was damn obvious what was happening. Moans chorused from the pair and it took Jason a second to realize just why Damian's flush was so much more brilliant, to realize his hand was resting over his own arousal while he watched.

He looked away quickly, trying to keep his mind to himself instead of wondering where the balls of steel had dropped from. The scene ended and the next one started and Damian did something Jason had never though he would, he restarted that clip. When he glanced at him, he was staring at the screen, his lips parted, his breath quick, and his pupils entirely blown. 

Halfway through this time, Damian abruptly got up and walked out of the room without comment. Jason reached to pause it but heard Damian's quiet, "Don't," from partway down the hall and he cleared his throat.

"I can –"

" _Don't_." He was more forceful this time and Jason heard the click of the bathroom door a second later. The light didn't go on, not shining out from under the door like usual, and Jason's mind knew exactly what was happening even if his conscious brain didn't really want to believe it. He heard the water run a minute later and then Damian came back out and took a seat, picking up the remote and stopping the video entirely. 

Jason gave it a minute before he absolutely had to check that Damian hadn't just tripped out completely. "Are you okay?"

"Perfectly."

Jason blinked at that, sitting back and debating the differences in the videos, realizing this one didn't involve anything other than sexual attraction whereas most of the others were pitched as love scenes. He settled with his phone and then texted Damian a few titles before shoving his phone back in his pocket. "Try those next on your own. I think we've found a winning genre."

Damian didn't check his text when it went off, just humming in agreement, his legs crossed and his demeanor more relaxed than Jason could ever remember seeing him. 

"Did you speak with Father?"

Jason grimaced but accepted this for what it was, an even trade between them. "I did."

"And?"

The prompting left Jason frowning, though he pushed himself into speaking again. "Things went about as predicted. He's upset I would have ever thought about him like that, thinks he did something to make me feel something toward him that I shouldn't have, and wants to – and I quote – make it up to me. I tried not to make him too uncomfortable but I did bluntly tell him I have never been able to just let go of my emotions toward him."

"Did he yell?"

"He was oddly calm, though clearly distressed."

"And you?"

"Came back here and got smashed. If anyone wondered why no one was covering my part of the city last Thursday, it's because I'm smarter than to try it while bombed out of my mind."

"Did that help?"

Jason snorted. "Yeah, sure it helped. Until I was sober again anyway."

"Has it helped since then?"

"No. Not much ever will." Jason shrugged but then gave some pure honesty to his physical reactions by rubbing his palms against his eyes and then staring somewhat hollowly at the opposite wall. "Of all the people I could have felt this way for, it had to be _him_. It's _bullshit_. Not only is he the straightest of straight men, but he looks at himself like he's my guardian, not someone I'm allowed to want. I am almost willing to lay money on everyone knowing my secret by next week because he's going to come to each of you to see if you've had any similar thoughts. Gotta wonder what Dickie's gonna tell him."

"Hopefully the truth, like he usually does."

"Guess we'll see."

Damian cleared his throat, leaning forward. "Did you apologize to other people?"

"I've worked my way through a few. It's not easy and I can't do it all at once, but I started with Tim and then Roy. Dick and I are meeting tomorrow."

"You didn't talk to him when I told you to before?"

Jason pursed his lips and then shook his head. "I tried, but we weren't in the right place to have that conversation." He gestured to his head with two fingers. "Mentally speaking, I guess." He hesitated and then, "He thinks we're having lunch. That should go well."

"Get him something to eat here and he will be fine."

"Already taken care of. The way to his heart has always been through his stomach and that's not about to change." Jason quirked his lips at Damian and then crossed his arms, staring somewhere down the hall. "If you were older, I'd tell you to stick around for a few beers or something but as it is, you'd probably get sick of drunk me real quick."

Damian took his cue, pushing himself to his feet and gathering his jacket. He shrugged it on before going to the DVD player and ejecting the disk. "I'm taking this."

"Go for it." Jason stayed right where he was, knowing Damian knew the way out and was usually better off without Jason trailing after him when he left. 

Their eyes met briefly and for once there was light instead of dread in Damian's gaze. "Good luck with Dick."

"Good luck with _your_ dick," Jason quipped before he could stop himself and much to his surprise, Damian just smiled placidly at him. 

"I could tell you the same, but we both know you're not getting laid this century, Todd."

"Don't need to." Jason waggled his fingers at Damian and gave him a suggestive look. Damian blanched and Jason snorted. "See ya around."

Damian was almost all the way to the door before Jason heard a quiet, "Maybe more often than before," and then the door opened and closed and he was left to his own thoughts, to his own impending sense of what would either be failure or success. 

Either way, he knew he'd made an impact somewhere that mattered and really, that was all he could have ever asked for.


End file.
